Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Never Again: Shorts and Tees When It's Cold Out

This article was inspired by a walk down the street with a few of my roommates. It was dusk, and although it still has yet to be freezing in State College, PA, it was pretty chilly. I had a zipup hoodie and jeans on. My roommates were both wearing long pants and light jackets. To further justify this, my hands were pretty cold when we got back to our house, so this article is not just me being dramatic. As we crossed the street, we noticed a guy J-walking a little farther up the street. He was wearing black basketball shorts and a Penn State t-shirt. One of my roommates asked jokingly if we were the only people who knew it was cold out. Without even a hesitation, I blurted out "No, guys are just like 'I'm too hot for the cold!'" And although I was just making a joke, all I thought about afterwards was how true this is. Walking to class in the winter I always see that one asshole who's wearing a long sleeve t shirt in a blizzard. Meanwhile, I'm wearing a parka.

I don't know what makes guys think that by not wearing the proper outerwear that they look tough and/or like the biggest badass that has ever walked the planet. Apparently looking like a complete dumbfuck makes you look cool. I definitely missed that memo. I know that the weather is still warm enough that you're not always going to need a jacket, but I'm trying to prevent this debauchery before it starts. That being said, here are some reasons why you should wear a coat when its cold out...


1. It's common sense. When the weather gets cold, our bodies cannot retain the amount of heat that we need to stay warm. One day, a caveman, watching all of his friends die of hypothermia around him, saw that the furry animals were able to keep warm in the dead of winter. So, he killed one, skinned it, and wore its fur, thus, coats were invented!! If this logic is too complex for you, you are probably one of the guys I see walking around in a t shirt and shorts in the middle of a blizzard. If so, please drink an entire bottle of nyquil until you pass out, and if you see a white light, go toward it.

2. A soaking wet shirt is never good. Besides the fact that there is the whole body temperature, frostbite, possible death by hypothermia thing, there are white little specs that fall from the sky called snow. Although it is not wet when it falls, once it sticks to you and you walk inside, it melts and soaks your clothes. I thought this was common knowledge, but year after year I see people that are unaware of this little problem, and fifteen minutes into class they look like they just jumped in a pool with their clothes on. No one likes to wear wet clothing, so prevent it by wearing something like a jacket!

3. You look like a fucking idiot. Yes, everyone that sees you is asking themselves, or the person they're walking with, why you aren't wearing anything but a t shirt and shorts. We're all talking about you. When my friend busts out in laughter right as we pass you it's because I was whispering in her ear about how much of a fuck you are.

I didn't realize that this was such a hard concept to grasp, but years of seeing people struggling with the concept of wearing a jacket has caused me to speak out against this apparent loss in translation from English to neanderthal grunts. Hopefully I've cleared some things up for you all, and this winter we will see a lot more people in a lot more clothes!