Thursday, September 20, 2012

Never Again: Running Shoes

Ok, I'm going to start this one off by saying that running shoes are great...when you're running. I have a few pairs of running shoes and I wear them a couple times a week...when I'm running. I think everyone should have a pair of them to wear...when they're running.

That being said, RUNNING SHOES ARE NOT FOR ANYTHING OTHER THAN RUNNING. You shouldn't wear them to party. You shouldn't wear them to class. You shouldn't wear them on a date. You shouldn't wear them to the club. Anywhere outside of a gym is the wrong place to be wearing running shoes. Why you ask? Well, I'll tell you.

My roommates and I have a saying that we pretty much live by, and that saying is that "you can find out everything you need to know about a guy by looking at the kind of shoes he's wearing." This is almost fool-proof, and running shoes fall at the very bottom of the list. What do we think we know about you because you wore running shoes out to the club? We think that you have no style and don't even realize it and will forever be unaware of how tragically awful the way you dress is. We will probably laugh to each other meanly about how bad you look and we might even talk about how horrific your whole outfit is. Then we will go on our way being reincarnations of Regina George and never look twice at you again.

This might sound like I am the most evil person on the planet, but I cannot stress to you how awful you look when you wear running shoes as if they were a brand new pair of dress shoes. But instead of just bitching at you some more, I'll give you a list of reasons why your running shoes need to stay on the treadmill.

1. They are not appropriate. By wearing running shoes, you are breaking one of my 10 Style Rules. You should always be dressed appropriately for where you are going. So if you just went to the gym and decided to run some errands, go ahead and wear your running shoes, that's not a big deal. I'm saying that when you're about to go pick your girlfriend up to bring her on a date the last thing you should be putting on your feet are a pair of Nike Shox.

2. They're ugly. Look at the picture that I put at the top of the article. How ugly are those shoes? Pretty ugly, I know. And yes, I understand that some are less ugly than others, but at the end of the day they're all running shoes and they don't look nice!

3. No one has ever complimented how much they like your running shoes outside of the gym. No one is going to get turned on by the sight of your sexy new balance's peeking out from your denim pant leg. If you've read my other Never Again articles, please tell me that you trust me enough. Please, please, PLEASE tell me that I don't have to make a bullet number 4 that reads "No one wants to fuck you when you wear running shoes."

Please stop this heinousness so I can sleep better at night.