Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Never Again: Basketball Shorts

Ok, so before you all get your pitchforks, form a large mob outside of where I live, and demand to have my head on a stake, let me preface this article with a few sentences. We all love basketball shorts. Their comfort surpasses anything else we could possibly put on our body. These gifts from the gods allow men's balls to go whereever the fuck they want, provided we are wearing the correct underwear. And you know how men are about the comfort and freedom of their testicles. That being said, there is a time and there is definitely a place to wear this particular clothing item, and "Everywhere, every day, at every time" is not an option in my book. Before I begin to yell at you and tell you all the places that you shouldn't wear basketball shorts, let me show you a list of places that I have deemed completely acceptable to show off your favorite pair of baller legwear.

1. The gym, out on a run, or any other place where you will be performing moderate physical activity. Self explanatory.

2. Inside your own house. No one can judge you on what you wear in your own house. I pretty much look like a complete fuck anytime I'm sitting at home. For example, today I was wearing jeans and an old Hollister shirt that I turned into a cut-off to clean the living room and do the dishes. I was also wearing slippers. I looked like a complete idiot. So what? I was in my own house.

3. To class or to run errands when you are extremely hung over. As much as it pains me, there are times when I wake up after a long night of drinking and throw on the first clothes that are in arms reach. We've all done it, and we're all going to do it again. When you're hung over, there's nothing you care about less than how you look. I'm gonna give the male sex a pass on this one, because I've been there with the rest of you.

Now its on to the part that makes this post a true "Never Again." I'll keep this short and sweet. You shouldn't wear basketball shorts to many places, but here are a few that are at the top of my list. Don't wear them on a date. Don't wear them to a party. Definitely don't wear them to meet new people. Why you ask? I'll tell you.

1. You look like you're in junior high. Do you get this theme that I'm developing throughout my articles? Anything that you wore before high school graduation makes you look like you're still counting down the days until that graduation.

2. You look like you don't care about your appearance. Sweatpants and athletic wear say one of two things about a person. You either play a college or professional sport (which I know most of you do not) or you just don't care. It has been proven time and time again that people respond positively to others who dress well. And don't you want that cute girl in your econ class to respond positively to you when you see her out at the bar?

3. You're completely vulnerable to other people "pantsing" you. I know this is very immature, but you just never know!

So there are three (well two) very solid reasons to listen to the little angel on your shoulder telling you to put on a pair of jeans and leave the pair of basketball shorts for later.

Side note: If you insist on wearing basketball shorts every day, please refrain from the ugly, multicolored, bold ones like the ones in the picture at the top of the article. They're just hideous. Period. Never Again.