Friday, October 5, 2012

Never Again: Ripped Jeans

We all remember them. We all wanted them. We all tried to make them ourselves with a pair of scissors or a piece of sandpaper. Ripped jeans. These were once a staple item in all of our 15-year-old wardrobes. I used to walk past the Abercrombie & Fitch window and look at the gorgeously tattered and paint splattered pairs of jeans, wishing my mom would just be "a cool mom" and spend $175 on that denim form of euphoria I wanted so badly.

Fast forward to today. I would not DARE buy anything that has rips, tears, snags, or paint on it. Remember your dad telling you how stupid you were for buying jeans with holes in them, and how you looked like a homeless bum when you wore them? Well, he was right. I could go off and bitch at you for another two paragraphs about how stupid you look in ripped jeans, but I'm not gonna do that this time. I'm just going to let my reasons speak for themselves.

1. They look cheap. Notice how expensive clothing stores don't sell ripped jeans. That is probably because ripped jeans look very cheap. No matter how much money you spend, the holes in these jeans will always give off an "I'm trying to look like I don't care" attitude. They are also usually in a very bad wash and hue, which just further cheapens the look.

2. Fashion over function? If you're wearing ripped jeans right now, it's probably because it is getting too cold for you to wear your cargo shorts. People defend themselves wearing cargo shorts by saying that they are "functional." They need the extra pockets to carry all of their precious items, and they look for function, not fashion, in their clothes. To those people I say this: A) Get a fucking backpack and/or briefcase to put all your shit in, and B) Ripped jeans are the least functional piece of clothing you could ever purchase. Want to know why? BECAUSE THERE ARE LARGE HOLES IN THEM.

3. They always fall apart. How many times in high school did you sit in class looking down at your legs, picking all the broken white fibers off of your pants? If you say never to this question then you were probably one of those idiots who just let them hang there, consequently looking like a porcupine and like this girl:
 This is not a good look. You don't look cool or edgy, you look like you got in a fight with a lawnmower and got rocked by that shit. No matter the amount of care you put in to making sure your ripped jeans stayed in one piece, there was always that moment where you bent over a little too far or tried to sit on the floor and you felt a bunch of those white fibers give way. Ripped jeans ALWAYS ended up looking just like this girl's knee in the picture above, bare with a bunch of tattered edges hanging off the side. Notice I'm using the past tense because that's where ripped jeans should be, in the past.

4. They remind everyone of Abercrombie.  No matter what, all I can think about when I see a pair of ripped jeans is Abercrombie. It never fails. What is so wrong with Abercrombie, you might ask? Well, instead of just ranting on about how fucking stupid you are to be shopping at a place that pre-teens shop at, I'm going to explain it with a true story. I'm trying to take the high road, OK?

A few weeks ago, I was at a club with a few friends. We were sitting at the bar getting drinks and people watching, and we all noticed this very tall and muscular guy. He was extremely attractive, but he just seemed to be standing there looking around, scoping out the ladies. There were a bunch of less attractive guys around him who had girls all over them. I was puzzled why this gorgeous man did not have at least that one token drunk ass bitch trying to get in his pants, and then I saw the shirt he was wearing. It was one of these precious gems:
Let me remind you that this man was probably the most attractive person, male or female, in this club. Abercrombie is literally a girl repellant, and this story is proof. Ripped jeans have the same effect. So, as usual, my biggest reason for not wearing ripped jeans is that no one is going to have sex with you because they're so turned on by your leg hair coming through the holes in your pants.

So there are four solid reasons to throw away your ripped jeans. Notice I said throw away. You should not give your old jeans that are full of holes to the Salvation Army because that is just mean. Throw them away. You'll feel liberated, I promise. If you want to see more Never Again articles, just click the Never Again label on the right side of the blog, because if you wear ripped jeans you probably wear a few more things on the Never Again list.

Ripped jeans...NEVER again.